I have to apologize to all the concerned parties that I let down; yesterday, or the day before, or on a regular basis. I should have gone to Rich and Maddie's party and bonfire last night. I should have stayed home and comforted my ailing wife, I have called and been more considerate, I should have taken the cell phone into the bedroom where I laid down and didn't move, I should have wiped the tears of worry from my wife's face instead of getting angry or upset that my plans were forfeit, I should have...

I didn't, instead I did melancholy.
Instead I did malaise.
Instead I did self-absorption.
Instead I did depression.

Instead of the evening (or early morning) ending with everybody saying what was the mater with Chuck, they were saying where was Chuck. A selfish and inconciderate choice, but at least one of the choices I've made that I can totally live with.

CP
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"What a long strange trip it's been.... "

There has been a little concern about the missing.
There is nothing missing.
There may be something gone.
But gone is gone, missing is misplaced. Misplaced can be recovered. Gone can only be replaced. The concern should be for the replacement. When will it arrive, what form will it take, what will it be. When Becky in Phily closed her virtual shop of recollections and collected thoughts after two years, I had first to muse, "did the blog finally make her butt look too big," then I missed her style of humor and wit for a while, then it was replaced, by what I can't rightly say, but I got over not having that, and I had something else, there was no void, no gap, just a different flow to the eventual inevitable end. Such is life. Change is not only good, its constant, perpetual and necessary, no one controls change, time or circumstance. Some move better within their sets of circumstances than others, some color within the lines of their cast existence, and get the gold star at the end, some leave the reservation and make stars of themselves. Sadly there are some that think that anonymity is the solution to happiness, we may never know if they were happy or succeeded in their quests, you can only make a difference if you make an effort, and somebody has to see the effort made. "When you're dreaming with a broken heart the waking up is the hardest part." John Mayer, Continuum, 2006. I got that line live as I was finishing the previous one. The song has nothing to do with the stream of my conscienceness here, but the line has everything to do with it.
I should be listing the humorous or interesting accomplishments and actions of my friends and acquaintances here now, but my humor colored glasses are broken, and I'm waiting for a new pair.
"I'm in Repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there..." More John Mayer, (in fact the next song, In Repair, funny how I'm connecting with these things on the very first listen. But then music has always been a reason for me, and a release too.
Chuck Pace © 2006
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